Little Voice

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I didn’t realize how much our work/career identifies us to everyone else until I lost my job a few years ago. It’s natural that when you meet someone for the first time one of the first things you are asked is “What do you do?” It’s a way to potentially find common ground or to open up a whole new discussion. I was really torn the first time someone asked me after I was laid off. At first, I joked around…said I was part of the wave of people laid off due to the recession and yes, I voted for Obama. This was my way of letting people know I was okay and that I fully expected to be gainfully employed again soon.

Fast forward two years. Unemployment insurance has run out and now it’s not so funny. Joined the “405 club” online – a site dedicated to out-of-work New Yorkers…the “405” reflecting the amount of our unemployment check. Good morale booster but nothing concrete comes out of that.

Four years. Yikes. Yes, voted for Obama again. Essentially have given up having a career again and now it’s me, my morning walks to keep me relatively sane and filling my days with friends, reading, and yes…being a homemaker. There it is…a reviled word that as a woman of a “certain age” never thought they would call themselves. We were going to have it all…as the 1970’s commercial jingle said “She can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan”.

Have the pan but not the bacon. And each day it becomes easier to come to terms with it. As I have said in previous blogs, I don’t miss the stress of working; I miss the identity it gave me. When I see my friends advancing in their careers, while very happy for them, I get that certain tug of “what if I hadn’t lost my job? Where would I be now?” 

Little Voice. Having a career legitimizes your value to society and without one, a feeling of disenfranchisement can overpower you. I fight that feeling by keeping current with news, politics and popular culture so I can join in on the conversation.  

Not having a career does not have to identify you. Really.

Can you hear my heartbeat?

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I have had quite a few moments in my life where my heart is pounding so hard that I feel like it will come through my chest…Most of them had to do with a medical emergency – my mom having a seizure after she was diagnosed with cancer, my son having to undergo neurosurgery at the age of six weeks – these were all times, I feel, that it is not unexpected to react so strong physically to a very tense situation.

And then there is menopause. Some women sail right through it – “I barely noticed any changes”…Yes, I wanted to smack her.  My reaction to all the hormonal changes that were cursing through my body was to experience increased anxiety – heart palpitations, sweaty palms, the feeling I needed to escape the situation NOW – all in situations where I was perfectly calm before. 

My job at the time included a fair share of public speaking. While no orator, I was comfortable getting up and speaking to an audience. Then I noticed a creeping feeling of fear…all of a sudden I couldn’t put two words together without feeling that my throat was drying up and I needed water as soon as possible. I started to avoid situations where I had to speak as much as my job allowed. 

I would try to talk myself out of it and sometimes I did. But there was always that nagging fear that I would  make a complete fool of myself and break down in front of everyone. This was resolved when I unexpectedly lost my job at the start of the recession. My unemployment didn’t call for much public speaking! 

The other fun thing that happened was my handwriting started to go downhill…but only when I had to sign something in public. All of a sudden my hand would start to shake and I could barely get my signature on the paper. Of course the clerk in Target didn’t notice when I signed the receipt but again, I felt like the world was watching me and my shaky hands. I have beautiful catholic school handwriting so this turn of events was quite disturbing. Again, if I don’t think about it too much it is usually fine but it’s the anticipation of some calamity striking me that makes me crazy! No one was happier when the majority of stores came out with the electronic signature pads to sign your name when you use your credit card – the playing field is leveled because all of the signatures come out wobbly!

I have come to terms with most of my new quirks as much as I can. Each stage in our lives bring new experiences. Some better…some worse. In the scheme of things, my pounding heart and shaky hands mean I am alive…a wee bit crazy, but still here.

Staying on Track…

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The leaves have lost their attractiveness and their opportunities for great photo ops..Now they are just dry, crunchy and all over the place…in the street, my lawn, and anyplace where the blustery wind will carry them today.

It is cold now when I return from my morning walk and I am usually starving…what to eat? what to eat? I am a lifetime member of Weight Watchers so I know how many “points” in a day I can have….the four point power breakfast of steel-cut oatmeal with blueberries….or

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the “classic” Drake’s coffee cakes for eight points? Of course, the coffee cakes are calling my name, along with a steaming cup of Lyon’s tea…did I really just walk five miles to come home and blow it in five minutes? Most days, I can say no….and put them back with my husband’s stash of Mallomars and Chips Ahoy. Then there are the other days when temptation and sweets are calling my name….there is something comforting in the winter about wrapping your hand around a cup of tea and – let’s be honest – really anything from Drake’s or Entennman’s! An apple – even a Honey Crisp – doesn’t quite do it.

So, I turn off the kitchen light’s, head upstairs away from temptation and distract myself with a book or a magazine…Knowing that the next time I pull something out of the closet it will fit!

Thank you Mark Zuckerberg!

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I am a statistic. “Chronically Unemployed” – I have been out of work for over four years and have given up looking for a “real” job…I would be happy finding something that I can do from home..my commuting days are over. I have looked at “work from home” job posts but you have to really filter through them to make sure they are legitimate. I like being around people and have thought about going into retail again…but even that has changed so much since I did it. I am appalled when I go into a store and the customers can’t get off their cell phones for a moment to look at the cashier or sales person and engage in a conversation. I am shocked at how rude people can be and at this stage of the game, frankly don’t want to be part of it.

I will somehow try to reinvent myself once again. What I have done in my 50+ years?…high school = supermarket cashier/college = support staff at a college club/Newly minted BA = cruise line sales staff/hotel sales manager/then part-time cosmetic salesperson when my kids were young/then, in an odd twist (long story, another days blog) a College Administrator/then back for my Masters degree and finally Community Relations Manager for a bookstore.

My unexpected sabbatical at home is not without its merits. I have gladly shrugged off the stresses of working for a big corporation and am enjoying the freedom of designing my own day – each and every day. I do wish I had all this time off when my children were younger and I was taking care of my elderly parents AND working full-time.

So today I say thank you Facebook! I know I am on-line way too much – but I love checking what other people are doing – oh, and of course, letting friends and family know what is going on in my little world. I know Facebook has been slammed for creating a narcissistic culture where we feel compelled to let the world know what we had for breakfast or who we ran into at the store – but my take is that it opens the world to people – your own world and the world around you. I enjoy the links that my “friends” …all 186 of them – who knew? – post. I love the fact that I have reconnected with cousins in England to share pictures with and family stories. Even thinking about what to write in your status update can be thought-provoking. When there is nothing to post, that can be a downer…after all, I must have done something today!

Rambling again…

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It’s been about two years since I last updated my blog. Why did I stop? Not quite sure…looking back now on my posts, they were very full of my frustration at being unemployed after a lifetime of working. So what’s new? I am still unemployed, still walking every day (another favorite theme), and certainly still rambling –  but my attitude has shifted to one of acceptance of my new life and embracing this new reality. It it life on my own terms. Thankfully, unlike many people who would laid off at the start of the recession, I am financially secure – thanks to my husbands steady paycheck and downsizing here and there. No more weekly dry cleaning bills and shopping excursions for “work” clothes – my wardrobe now consists of sneakers, yoga pants and jeans…all tossed in the washing machine.

So my days are my own…walking, reading, listening to NPR and of course, Kathie Lee and Hoda! There is a peacefulness to my days that I cherish and I truly appreciate the fact that I can stay home and not be forced into taking a minimum wage job to get by (a shout out to New Jersey for raising the minimum wage:

:http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2013/11/nj_voters_approve_constitutional_amendment_raising_minimum_wage.html

So, hope this is the first of many new posts…I hope you welcome me back to the blogosphere!

 

 

What would Patrick Murphy think?

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In my quest to get fit and lose my “meni-pot” – a not so cute term to refer to the menopause weight gain – I have started working out to www.walkathome.com DVD’s. They are fun and fabulous and I can get quite carried away – if I must say so myself – in the privacy of my basement.

This morning, I was jumping around and doing my “boosted walking” when I glanced over at all my family pictures,  framed on my bookcase. My gaze landed on a picture of my grandfather, Patrick Murphy, alongside my grandmother Emily. I burst out laughing because my first reaction was –  would he be thinking “what kind of eijit is she jumping around to this nonsense!”

My grandfather was born and lived most of his life in Ireland…unfortunately I never really got to know him too well…couple of visits to Ireland as a child didn’t really form much of a relationship…but I am sure he would have had a good laugh watching his granddaughter dancing in the basement all by herself. In his day it wasn’t necessary to have formal exercise – doing everyday household chores and walking everywhere burned enough calories.

So, grandpa, this is a shout-out to you! I hope you are dancing with Emily right now in heaven…and winking down at me!

What am I looking forward to in 2011?

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It’s official. Just received my letter from the New York State Department of Labor…I have officially run out of unemployment insurance. I have been out of work since February 2009 and the weekly assistance has kept my household running and helped to somewhat stifle the rising panic at bill time. That safety net is now gone so now it’s what choices do I have to find some employment? Forget the meaningful…I will be happy to find something that will help with the bills. But a big part of me really wants it all – a well-paying, fulfilling job. I have an interview tomorrow for a virtual job – work from home in the travel industry. It actually sounds like a good fit – I started my professional career as a reservations agent in New York City – and my interview tomorrow is two doors down from my first job! I believe I am coming full-circle – with many detours in between. So my hope is a new job – and the chance to hold onto the inner peace I have found in between jobs…yes, I want it all!

Beagán agus a rá go maith. Be (e as in echo) gawn og us uh rah go (as in going) mah. Say little but say it well

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What the heck? My title for today’s blog is in Gaelic – with the pronunciation and English translation provided. Tomorrow is, after all, St. Patrick’s Day, and I am getting in the spirit.

I love the above quote but I am afraid I don’t practice it too well. When I tell a story, I feel compelled to give you lots of background information. I think this adds to the story – in minutes as well as in flavor. It’s ironic because I used to fault my beloved mom for getting so off track when she would tell a story – I am now doing the same thing.

Mothers and daughters. Mothers and sons. As my children have grown and become adults, it has been interesting to see the different paths they have taken – although looking back on them as children, where they are today and how they were as children can sometimes be a straight line.

My children were raised as Catholics and attended Catholic school up to High School. As the Sunday grumblings grew about attending Mass, I told them that I wanted them to receive the sacrament of Confirmation and then they could choose what spiritual path they would like to be on.  Confirmation literally confirms them as full members of the church – but if they chose not to be a member anymore, I would not pressure them. I have been true to my word – for the most part. I do ask them to come on the holidays but if they choose not to, I let it go.

This past weekend, my son was home from college on spring break and there was a Memorial Mass at our parish for a wonderful nun who had taught at my kids school. I asked him to come – out of respect for her and to be part of the church family once again, if only temporarily.  He agreed to come and to my surprise, he seemed to actually be getting something out of all the rituals and prayers that were being offered.

I held my tongue and did not make a big deal out of his attendance. As he showed me with his attendance, Say little but say it well.

Is this it?

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After a few spectacular days of spring weather, the rain and clouds have settled in again and with them a sense of gloom about where my life is going. Yesterday I couldn’t summon up the energy to do much of anything – I actually “took” a mental health day off – even though I am unemployed. I sat on the couch, watched daytime TV, finished the Sunday papers and yes, I even ate some chocolate to add to the whole “woe is me – chocolate will help kind of mood”.

Today is a bit better. Followed my usual routine – channel surf the morning news shows for a bit, throw in some laundry and work out for an hour. I cleaned out my dresser drawers and then tried to be productive – in the job sense. Nothing was new on the boards, joined yet another job site, and now I am writing down my thoughts yet again.

The feeling of “Is this it” – is becoming more acute the longer I am out of work. I actually had quite a few jobs I really enjoyed – they were financially and professionally rewarding and led to many great friendships. Now I am worried that I am past my prime and that I can only look back and not forward.

Usually I am a very optimistic person but with unemployment running out and no solid leads coming in, “Is this it” is looming  – like the dark clouds that fill the sky today.

I did not choose unemployment

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My usual Sunday routine is to pour myself a mug of Irish tea, flip on the CBS Sunday Morning show and file for unemployment on my MAC. However, tomorrow will be different. The bank is empty. I will be one of the 3.2 million people hoping that the Senate does pass the extension bill on Tuesday, now that we have the 60th vote from the new interim West VA Senator, Carte Goodwin.  If for some reason, I don’t get my extension – then what? What can I do to find a job that is any different from what I have been doing these past 18 months?

I have networked, updated my resume, crafted individual cover letters, attended job fairs, worked with the counselor from the New York State Unemployment office and have tried to be optimistic that there is something out there for me. It is embarrassing and and yes, sometimes I even feel ashamed that  I haven’t found anything yet. I keep coming back to the line from the movie “The Wrestler” when Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson says to his daughter “And now, I’m an old broken down piece of meat… and I’m alone.”

Lucky for me, I’m not alone. I stand with my fellow unemployed Americans and try to keep my head up, ignore the slings from certain groups that we all could have a job if we really wanted to.

Yes, I want to work. I will keep trying every day to find a job. Heck, I might even go back to my first job – “Excuse me Miss …do you want paper or plastic?”