I have had quite a few moments in my life where my heart is pounding so hard that I feel like it will come through my chest…Most of them had to do with a medical emergency – my mom having a seizure after she was diagnosed with cancer, my son having to undergo neurosurgery at the age of six weeks – these were all times, I feel, that it is not unexpected to react so strong physically to a very tense situation.

And then there is menopause. Some women sail right through it – “I barely noticed any changes”…Yes, I wanted to smack her.  My reaction to all the hormonal changes that were cursing through my body was to experience increased anxiety – heart palpitations, sweaty palms, the feeling I needed to escape the situation NOW – all in situations where I was perfectly calm before. 

My job at the time included a fair share of public speaking. While no orator, I was comfortable getting up and speaking to an audience. Then I noticed a creeping feeling of fear…all of a sudden I couldn’t put two words together without feeling that my throat was drying up and I needed water as soon as possible. I started to avoid situations where I had to speak as much as my job allowed. 

I would try to talk myself out of it and sometimes I did. But there was always that nagging fear that I would  make a complete fool of myself and break down in front of everyone. This was resolved when I unexpectedly lost my job at the start of the recession. My unemployment didn’t call for much public speaking! 

The other fun thing that happened was my handwriting started to go downhill…but only when I had to sign something in public. All of a sudden my hand would start to shake and I could barely get my signature on the paper. Of course the clerk in Target didn’t notice when I signed the receipt but again, I felt like the world was watching me and my shaky hands. I have beautiful catholic school handwriting so this turn of events was quite disturbing. Again, if I don’t think about it too much it is usually fine but it’s the anticipation of some calamity striking me that makes me crazy! No one was happier when the majority of stores came out with the electronic signature pads to sign your name when you use your credit card – the playing field is leveled because all of the signatures come out wobbly!

I have come to terms with most of my new quirks as much as I can. Each stage in our lives bring new experiences. Some better…some worse. In the scheme of things, my pounding heart and shaky hands mean I am alive…a wee bit crazy, but still here.